


clap your hands

by crud



Series: mcyt [15]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Crying, Depersonalization, Depression, Derealization, Dissociation, GeorgeNotFound is a Good Friend, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inspired by Music, Late Night Conversations, Lowercase, sapnap is a good friend, they are best friends your honor, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 07:13:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29506026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crud/pseuds/crud
Summary: was it just boredom?he kept scrolling.--lowercase intentional.
Relationships: Clay | Dream & GeorgeNotFound, Clay | Dream & GeorgeNotFound & Sapnap, Clay | Dream & Sapnap, GeorgeNotFound & SapNap
Series: mcyt [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2010730
Comments: 4
Kudos: 83





	clap your hands

**Author's Note:**

> please read the tags !! this is a vent fic so it's a bit heavier than my normal dsmp/mcyt fics !! please heed the tags !!
> 
> say hi to me on twitter @patroiocus if you'd like !! my dms are open if you ever want to talk to me :D <3 !! i hope you all enjoy reading, i've been meaning to get back into the groove of writing oneshots because i've been working on a bigger story that's been taking up all my time recently but shh its a surprise ;)
> 
> enjoy !
> 
> \--
> 
> (listen to sadder by young rising sons to enhance the experience of the story)

dream scrolled through twitter, mindless.

there was some promoted tweet about cat food and he got distracted by the video of a cat jumping for joy at the sight of the cat food brand he’d never heard of. cute. he scrolled past without liking, because then people would take screenshots and talk for days about how he’d liked a promoted tweet, and didn’t bother reading the tweets from the fans of his that he followed.

he scrolled some more.

clicked on another post and huffed a small joke at the stupid jokes made.

it felt empty.

he swallowed. was he just bored? he kept scrolling, on and on for what could have been seconds, hours, days, months, years. time blurred together and he wasn’t sure whether or not to be grateful to the ticking of the clock as it tried to remind him to just look up, to just see how much time he’d really spent just… scrolling, endlessly.

he looked up. it had been barely three minutes.

if he was one to assign colors to emotions, he would call this a dark blue. maybe navy, with a hint of gray and indigo. there was a chill deep in his bones and he folded three blankets on top of himself, six layers of fabric that did nothing to chase away the cold possessing him slowly.

he turned onto his side, adjusted his laptop so he could keep scrolling comfortably.

was there a word for this feeling? was it a curse, something bestowed upon him as punishment for some wrongdoing of his past, a punishment for mean words told to siblings and shoving friends just a little too hard to be playful? dream sighed, clenched his eyes tight as he slowly sucked in a painful breath and pretended his eyes weren’t burning.

his bed felt too soft.

he ignored it, and he kept scrolling.

discord was closed on his laptop, and do not disturb was on, but he knew his friends were on a call with one another right then. he knew he could join, and they would love his presence. he knew this, but his throat hurt from holding back words that no one would hear anyway and his thighs itched with his past mistakes and his hands shook with the urge to just _reach over and open the drawer—_

he didn’t open discord to join the call.

he rolled over, again, and kept scrolling.

the bed was far too soft. the sheets carried with them an unpleasant weight and the plush texture of the mattress dug into his side, tearing open his skin and leaving him open in a way that was too uncontrolled for him to find the satisfaction in it that he would have, years before when his thighs would ache with mistakes of the present rather than the past.

he swallowed, closed his eyes tight and hands reaching up to grip his hair.

he opened his eyes and hands and got ahold of himself.

dream clicked on another post, and found his vision blurring so much he could hardly even read what it said, making out maybe two words before closing twitter altogether, head aching and heart racing as he looked around his room and saw only fuzzy, surreal versions of what he knew should be there. where was he? what was he doing?

who was he?

his fingers twitched, ached to reach for the drawer.

his bed was too soft, and he shot up, getting out of the mass of blankets and grabbing his laptop and headphones as he marched out of his room, away from the too-soft mattress and the too-tempting drawer in his bedside. he walked through the grounding cold of the hallway into the bathroom, the tiled floor making his feet cold and somehow soothing the chill in his bones, and he laid down on his back on the floor of the shower, behind the curtains.

he was dream.

right?

he opened his laptop, opened discord and put on his headphones. sapnap and george were in a voice call, and neither of them were streaming, and they were in the group chat that had just the three of them in it, which meant they wanted him to join, wanted to give him the opportunity to join.

he hesitated.

was he dream?

he clicked join, and muted immediately because just the sound of their casual conversation sent tears streaming down his cheeks, had a sob hitching in his chest and his throat burning. they didn’t notice him joining, he knew, caught up in their debate about which one of them had the cuter cat. his vision was blurry and he was hunched over his keyboard with a fist pressed against his mouth to muffle his crying.

dream _(?)_ unmuted.

their icons went dark, briefly, before lighting up green.

“dream!” they chorused, joyful and eager to make it known how his presence was appreciated, and it took him a second to even realize they were talking to him.

dream.

he was dream.

his breath hitched, and he tried to cover it up with a laugh but just ended up letting out a sob. “ _shit_ ,” he whispered, voice warbling and eyes tightening around the edges as the icon that represented him lit up green.

“… dream?” sapnap’s voice asked, concern coloring it as his oldest friend’s repressed cries came through the speakers. “dream, what’s wrong?” dream shook his head, still trying to get his tears under control and not trusting his voice not to betray him. they’d been there for him, years ago, he knew, during past/present mistakes; he didn’t want them to be there again.

he wanted that more than anything.

“dream, seriously,” george pressed, this time, and dream let out a little sob into his fist, shoulders shaking. when was the last time he’d cried? was this a good thing? george continued: “dream, please.”

the tile was grounding. it felt like shame and regret and fear and healing all at once, and he dug his nails into the grout until his fingers ached with the pressure and his nails were caked with the built up dirt. “i—“ he started, and his voice gave out a second later as he choked on the words. the thought of speaking left him nauseous, even as his tears slowed and he found himself calming down.

instead, he typed. into the chat, he wrote: _please distract me. please don’t make me talk. i can’t. tomorrow- please._

he leaned back against the wall of the shower, stretched his legs out as far as they could go in the cramped space and rested the flat of him feet against the opposite wall as george and sapnap hesitantly started up their debate once more, occasionally asking him questions he’d respond to in the chat, just to remind him he was there and he was real.

he didn’t deserve them, he thought.

he was dream.

_he was dream._

**Author's Note:**

> hello !! i hope you enjoyed reading this !! again, this is a vent fic, but i promise i'm doing okay !! i love you, stay hydrated, you are very important and i PROMISE you that you are real !! i am real too, and we are exactly who we say we are. even if no one else listens to you, know for a fact that you are you, you are who you believe yourself to be at your core. 
> 
> again, stay hydrated, and maybe leave a comment or kudos if you enjoyed !! ily <3 :D


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